


Withdraw

by batyalewbel



Series: Ghost Quartet [3]
Category: The Haunting of Hill House (TV 2018)
Genre: Episode tag 1x10, Family Feels, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-23 01:59:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16609727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/batyalewbel/pseuds/batyalewbel
Summary: Is a twin still a twin when one of them is dead?Half of him is missing now and he can feel it in his bones. In the cold that’s still freezing him from head to toe.One half of a whole and the other half is gone.Nell’s gone.And he’s alone now.And is a twin still a twin when one of them is dead?





	Withdraw

 

 _I don't know if this is me at all_  
_Or just some ghost of me that I dreamed up_  
_Just to sing myself to sleep_

 _Or someone that I used to be_  
_Or someone that I will be_  
_Or someone that I am right now_

_-I Don’t Know, Ghost Quartet_

Is a twin still a twin when one of them is dead?

Luke’s been wondering since he heard the news.

Wondering in that sick way...the way you pick at a scab when you should leave it alone.

Is a twin still a twin when one of them is dead?

Half of him is missing now and he can feel it in his bones. In the cold that’s still freezing him from head to toe.

One half of a whole and the other half is gone.

Nell’s gone.

And he’s alone now.

And is a twin still a twin when one of them is dead?

\---

He wanted to burn that fucking house to the ground. That was what brought him back to Hill House.

Fuck that fucking house.

It took his sister and his mom and he was done just sitting around and moping, he was going to do something about it. He knew Nell was trying to tell him something. The image of her staring over him at her grave felt real the way all the shit did when he was a kid. When Abigail died right in front of him and then they all said she wasn’t real.

Before the funeral there were the buttons on Nell's eyes and the casket suddenly falling off it’s stand. It was Nell and he didn’t know what she was saying but he could extrapolate.

He knew that Nell hadn’t killed herself so the house must have killed her.

And he would kill the house.

Except that things did not go to plan.

\---

He woke from a terrible dream to find himself on the floor in the Red Room with a _real_ needle in his arm.

Shit, shit, _shit..._ he thought, feeling his heart pound too fast, feeling his head spin.

Steven was there, just outside the doorway and he didn’t even think as he reached for his brother. Reached out because he needed help.

His throat worked to try and say something but he didn’t have to. Steve saw him and came running.

He was shouting something but everything sounded like it was underwater.

Only Luke saw the thing that followed Steve inside.

 _“Behind you,”_ he managed to croak but Steven just turned and crumpled to the floor.

 _“No,”_ Luke moaned and he tried to crawl towards Steven, but he was paralyzed. His limbs felt heavy as lead.

“What did you do?” he asked the ghost that stood over them with a terrible stone smile.

“Oh it won’t matter for you son. You’ll be ours soon enough,” she said and then she faded away and the world swam around him.

“Steven,” he mumbled his brothers name and tried to inch himself forward those few feet with numb, heavy arms and limp legs.

“Stevie please,” he whispered, desperate and afraid, “Please wake up.”

But Steven didn’t wake up and the world turned black around him.

\---

The dream felt wrong from head to toe.

From the strange smile his mother wore, like the night of that other tea party, to little Nell who just kept telling him, _“Don’t.”_

And right at the moment he thought he might not be able to leave, Nell was there. Grown up and sad as she grabbed him by the arm and _pulled._

\---

He woke with a gasp to an aching chest and warm hands on his back.

“Oh god.”

“Luke, can you hear me?”

That was Shirley and Steven. Shirley’s hands on his back and Steven bending over him with wide tearful eyes. Theo knelt beside them and took his hand. Her eyes were hard as she held on tight.

He could barely breathe, let alone speak and they were all talking so fast.

“His pulse is pretty weak.”

“We need to get him to a hospital.”

“We thought you were gone man. We thought you were _gone.”_

That last part was Steven and Luke wanted to tell him that he was glad Steven was okay after what he had seen before. He wanted to tell Shirley that he was sorry for stealing her purse and Theo for taking her car.

But Nell was standing behind them.

Standing at the door of the Red Room and when he finally managed to speak, he said:

“She saved me.”

“You just woke up,” Shirley told him and they weren’t listening. Nell was watching him with that sad look she had in his dream. He pointed at her, and it took a lot of effort to just do that, but he made himself speak again and say, _“She saved me.”_

And finally they all turned and looked.

And they saw her too.

“I feel a little clearer just now,” she said, her voice almost dreamy.

“Nell?” Theo asked getting to her feet.

“We have. All of us have...Wouldn’t have changed anything...I need you to know that.”

“Nell,” Steven said as he got up too.

“The rest is confetti.”

“Hey,” he said.

“So many times and we didn’t even know it. All of us.”

“Nellie?” Shirley asked from her spot beside Luke.

“No, not a heart.”

“Nell?” Steven asked as she walked forward.

“A stomach.”

“Nell?” he asked again

“We have. All of us have.”

“I don’t think she can hear us,” he said to the rest of them.

“So many times and we didn’t know it.”

Steve just kept going like the apparition of their dead sister wasn’t in the room talking to them, “All right. We need to get Luke out of here. We need to get him to a hospital.”

Luke didn’t want to go to the hospital, he wanted to stay with Nell. Or rather he wanted Steve to shut up and listen because Nell was trying to tell them something.

Instead Luke coughed because breathing hurt far too much right now and Steve went to the door, rattling the door knob.

“I don’t get it,” he said and Theo was beside him with her hands on the door.

“All this time we tried to get into this room and now we can’t get the fuck out,” she said.

Above him, Shirley breathed, “I feel like I’ve been here before.”

And Nell, standing at the window in her white dress that seemed to float with her, looked at Shirley.

“We have. All of us have. So many times and we didn’t know it.”

And the others stopped moving to stare at Nell.

“All of us,” she said and then sighed.

“I feel a little clearer now. Everything’s been out of order.” She stood there, frowning at something none of them could see as she continued, “I thought for so long that time was like a line, that…” and she trailed off, her hands coming up to her chest in some gesture that Luke couldn’t understand. She walked forward, her hands beginning to move animatedly in front of her, “That our memories were laid out like dominoes, and that they fell...one into another and on it went. Just days tipping, one into the next, into the next, in a long line between the beginning...and the end. But I was wrong.”

Steven took a step towards the three of them, his eyes never leaving Nell.

Luke was so tired, his focus kept wandering. He had to just try and breathe and _listen._ He owed her that.

“It’s not like that at all,” she said, her gaze traveling over each of them, looking for something in their faces but Luke didn’t know what.

“Our moments fall around us like rain...or snow,” her eyes drifted shut as she spoke, “Or confetti,” and she smiled on the word, a childish giggle seeming to escape without her noticing.

“You were right,” she said, looking at each of them in turn, “We have been in this room. So many times and we didn’t know. All of us.”

It felt like no one in the room moved or breathed. It felt like time has stopped for Nell and now for them too.

“Mom says the house is like a body,” she smiled and turned to drift as she continued, “And that every house has eyes...and bones…” She moved towards the wall and ran her fingers over the rot and paneling, “And skin...and a face…”

She sighed, heavy with some kind of understanding they didn’t have yet as she turned to look at them.

“This room is like the heart of the house...No, not the heart. The stomach.”

Her mouth was tight as she eyed each of them again.

“It was your dance studio Theo. It was my toy room. It was a reading room for mom. A game room for Steve. A family room for Shirley. A treehouse,” she looked at Luke and he stared back, fear and horror mixing in his stomach. He looked at that strange narrow window and only now did he realize it was the same as the window in his treehouse. No other room in the house had such a strange looking window.

“But it was always the Red Room,” Nellie continued, “It put on different faces so that we’d be still and quiet...While it digested…”

One of her shoulders came up slightly like a shrug, but her eyes were so unbelievably sad.

“I’m like a small creature, swallowed whole by a monster. And the monster feels my tiny little movements inside.”

And finally she looked at Luke.

She smiled and came to kneel on the ground beside him, her hands coming to press on his chest as she said, “You have to live.”

He reached up to hold one of her hands and she pressed her other over it. Her fingers were like ice but he held on anyway.

He thought of when they were kids and he explained how he would count to seven to make the scary things go away.

He thought of the night of the storm when she disappeared and he gripped her tight and told her to never to do that again.

He thought of all the times Nell believed in him when no one would.

“I don’t...I don’t know how to do this without you,” he told her through the lump in his throat and his aching chest. He couldn’t be one half of a whole. He would never be whole again.

_Is a twin still a twin when the other is dead?_

“I learned a secret,” Nell told him and her eyes were full of so many things.

“There is no without...I am not gone,” she reached up to press a hand to his cheek, “I am scattered into so many pieces, sprinkled on your life like new snow.”

Steve and Theo were kneeling down on his other side, their eyes fixed on the pair of them.

“There’s so much I want to say to you all,” she said, turning her gaze to their siblings crowding around them.

“I’m so sorry our last words were in anger,” Theo said.

“But they weren’t,” Nell told her with a smile. A smile that was made of sadness and joy all at once. Like the darkest chocolate, sweetness and bitter mixed.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t answer the phone,” Shirley said.

“But you did,” Nell said, almost imploring, _“So many times.”_

“I’m sorry I didn’t listen,” Steve said, “And I’m sorry--”

“--It wouldn’t have changed anything. I need you to know that,” Nell interrupted him and there was a hard certainty in her words, but her next words were soft as she looked over all of them again like she was drinking in the sight.

“Forgiveness is warm. Like a tear on a cheek. Think of that when you stand in the rain.”

She smiled again, her grip on Luke’s hands tightening and he held on for all he was worth.

“I loved you completely,” she said to them, “And you loved me the same. That’s all. _The rest is confetti.”_

And with that his hands were empty.

And Nell was gone.

\---

Things started to slip from there. He was trying to tell Steven something. Something important, but everything was slipping away...

...The next thing he knew, Dad was there and he was trying to tell him something. There were hands in his hair.

“Hey son, how’re you doing?”

He tried to tell him about Nell. Dad needed to know about Nell.

“That’s good Luke, you did _so good.”_

And Luke felt himself start to cry as everything slipped again…

...Next he was on his feet. Steve on his right and Dad on his left. He tried to make his feet work but they were lead.

“Come on Luke,” Steve whispered in his ear, “Just one more step, one more, come on...”

...Then he was in a car. Steve bent over him doing up his seatbelt.

Did Steve know what happened?

Luke couldn’t quite remember the order of things. Time was becoming like raindrops. Like confetti.

He thought he saw Nell standing behind them but before he could say anything the car door closed. Shirley and Theo got into the car. Dad and Steven stood at the front of the house, watching them go.

 _Why isn’t Stevie coming with us?_ He wanted to ask.

At some point Theo grabbed his hand and as he started to slip again, between waking and sleep, between life and death, her hand was a warm anchor in his.

\---

From there it was hard to tell what was a dream and what wasn’t.

He dreamt of a dark room where Steve told him that Dad was dead.

But Nell beside his bed seemed _so real._

She was sitting by his bed, running her hand through his hair and smiling.

“Nell?” he asked and her happy-sad smile seemed to widen.

“Wake up Luke,” she told him and then she was gone.

\---

The next morning he woke up feeling clear.

Like reality had solidified around them again.

He sat up in bed and looked at Steve, Theo, and Shirley.

“Hey Luke,” Steve said with something near a smile.

Luke stared at him and then at Theo and Shirley.

“It wasn’t a dream...was it?” he asked and Theo was the one who shook her head.

“No it wasn’t.”

He looked at Steven, “And Dad? What you said last night?”

Steve looked down and shook his head, “I’m sorry Luke.”

And he started to cry, right there in front of the three of them, he sobbed like a child.

Of all of them, Steve was the one who moved first, coming to stand beside him, he bent down just enough to wrap Luke in his arms.

“I’m sorry Luke,” he said again and Luke sobbed in his arms feeling all the loss at once.

One half of a broken whole and now his Dad was gone too.

On his other side he felt another pair of arms wrap around both of them, “It’s okay,” Shirley murmured, “It’s okay.”

Theo was the last to join them, wrapping herself around all of them without saying a word.

Luke was fairly certain he was not the only one shedding tears at this point.

He only broke away when he remembered, “Steve I didn’t shoot up,” he said looking up at his brother, then Shirley and Theo too, “I don’t know what was...I didn’t…”

“We know,” Theo told him.

“The house did that to you,” Steve said.

Their belief was enough to strike him senseless. He nodded mutely, rubbing a hand over all the wet on his face. Shirley handed him a tissue and only then did Luke notice the cold and the aches. The trembling in his fingers.

_Shit._

“I need to check in with Leigh,” Steven said, as if he knew what Luke was thinking, “But if she’s alright with it, you’ll come home with me when you’re released from the hospital okay?”

\---

The day he was released he was embraced by a woman who introduced herself as Trish and then grinned up at him like a small sun before she stepped back to hold Theo’s hand.

There was a lot to say in that moment and Luke couldn’t think of a thing.

He was still feverish and he ached but he was stable.

The moment Steven saw him upright he wrapped Luke in a bear of a hug. Almost like he had been afraid of breaking Luke until the moment he saw him standing.

Luke hugged him back, bemused but grateful.

Steve stepped back with tears in his eyes and clapped Luke on the shoulder.

“Alright let’s go home,” he said and Luke nodded.

That night he would sleep in the guest room. He would sweat and nightmare and call out in his sleep.

Steve slept on the floor beside his bed.

It was something their mom used to do sometimes when they were scared.

He slept through Luke’s nightmare shouts and thrashes. But everytime Luke woke up and saw Steven nearby, it helped a little.

It helped enough.

Leigh was good too.

Better than he deserved, honestly.

All Steve told him was, _she knows about Hill House._

And sometimes after that first night, after the fever passed, she would sit on the couch late t night. With a book or with the TV on.

“Come sit with me Luke?” she would ask, like he would be doing _her_ a favor. Not the other way around.

It all helped.

It was all support and Luke was grateful.

\---  
Two weeks after Hill House it was dad’s funeral. He cried and Shirley sat beside him, holding his hand. He was still clean even if he wanted a hit more than anything to get through that day.

Two months after he was getting his own place. Theo and Trish helped him move in. It was near their new place and near Shirley’s. He was still clean, even if it made the days feel long and dull

Two years later he was still clean. He had a job and a family that was ready and willing to gather around him and celebrate a milestone. He had lost one sister but he had two more and a brother and they were all so vibrant and alive, he could always take solace in that.

He still saw Nell. Although she mostly stayed in his dreams. Sometimes Mom and Dad would join her there but Nell was his most regular visitor.

In his dreams she talked to him sometimes. In that same strange and circular way she had in the Red Room. It never quite made sense until it did but it was still good to hear her voice.

It turns out a twin is still a twin if one of them is dead. In the technical sense anyway. In the practical sense, one half of him would be missing until the day he died.

It was like another kind of withdrawal in a sense. Learning to live without Nell was another long and painful road to walk, but he walked it all the same because the alternative was death and he wasn’t ready for that.

He was ready to live though, and live well.

And so he did.

And when his time finally came, _many_ years later...Nell was there to take his hand.

Two halves of a whole again.

**Author's Note:**

> Things that fuck me up include Luke and his relationships with Steven and Nell. (And also the bit when Steven got dropped by ghost Poppy?? yikes)


End file.
